Repravda

Well, for once this kid Father Hollyweird has something worthwhile to say about the cat getting the Reporter's tongue about Issues, Etc-gate. But then again, did anyone realistically expect to see pictures of Randy Raspberry and Willie Weedon holding signs that say: "Hell No We Won't Go" and "Bomb Iran" to grace the pages of the official synodical paper? By the way, Yours Truly was also at this little gathering outside the Crinoline Kremlin. I'm in some of the pictures. I'm the one carrying the sign that says: "Make Seven Up Yours." I like to do my part to support the American soft drink industry.

I hate to admit it, but I agree with Hollywoodhead's assessment. The Reporter is crap, pure and simple. The paper would be put to better use by Mr. Whipple. And that's the best damned construction I can put on it. The only reason I save them is because the local puppy mill needs them for housebreaking, and the change I get from the proceeds goes into the beer fund. And as far as I am concerned, canine target practice is too noble a purpose for this waste of tree pulp.

Ever since that paperhanging corporal took over the POTS, (thanks again, Herman, you idiot...), the "organs" - and that pun is most certainly intended - of our Beloved Synod have become pure parlor pink agitprop. The Lutheran Witness has become the Kieschnick's Shameless, and the Reporter has gone beyond being simply the Distorter to outright being Repravda. If the Presidium had tanks, they'd be rolling in the streets every May 1.

In fact, my cardio doc ordered me not to look at those papers. And as soon as I finish this pack of smokes, I'm going to run out to Wallgreen's to get my blood pressure checked and my scrip refilled. Don't let me forget. But anyway, that damned rag has driven me to drink every month. Well, at least it's good for something, I suppose.

And I just love what the synod calls "missionaries" these days. It used to be a fella would have to put on a pair of jodhpurs and a pith helmet, live in a mud hut in the jungle, and learn to talk with a series of clicks and gutteral growls - after being ordained and called, of course. These days "mission work" means a broad with manicured nails, perfect teeth, a Gucci bag, and a boob job spending a couple weeks in Europe. According to the latest Repravda, one of the LCMS "mission gals" is serving a "mission" in London, England. Now, I know the Limes ain't exactly the most churchgoing folk in the world, but has this tootsy ever heard of St. Augustine of Canturbury? Somehow, I doubt that a helluva lot of "mission work" is going on in her "call." But then again, maybe she's teaching English as a Second Language over there. That would be par for the synodical course.

Then we have another missionarionette serving in Wittenberg, Germany. Hmmm. Now, where have I heard that name before, troops. It's right on the tip of my tongue - next to this damned horse pill I'm trying to wash down with a Bud Light. Yes, I can see where "mission work" would come in handy there. Wittenburg. Judas Priest, it's Wittenberg Germany! Hello? Why, I'll bet they've never even heard of what a Lutheran is in that neck of the woods. Good thing the LCMS is Johann-on-the-Spot! What a damned embarrassment!

It's getting to the point where anyone who is familiar with conventional sexual practices will be tagged as "missionaries." Of course, no word on pastors like this May fella who was pulled from his mud hut in French West Africa because raising a quarter million bucks on his own wasn't enough ka-ching!(tm) for the French-cuffed fatcats in St. Loonie. I suppose this pastor will be replaced by a blue-eyed blonde college girl with a digital camera who will stay just long enough to e-mail a picture of herself surrounded by a gaggle of smiling brown people that will end up in the Repravda as evidence that your synodical dollars are not (are) being wasted. Meanwhile, the natives will be left to eat each other. I mean the ones in St. Louis. Cannibalism is pretty much a thing of the past in Christian Africa - unlike in the post-Christian Missouri Synod where eating each other is simply a way of life. Let's ask David Strand. I hear it tastes like chicken, Davey Boy. Well, that pencil-necked little bloodsucking liar oughtta know.

And check out that pie chart for Fan Into Flame(tm) allocations. Half of the money is to go to "The Ends of the Earth." About a sixth is ear marked for "Jerusalem." Another sixth is for "Judea" and finally another for "Samaria." Now, first of all, what in the hell are the "ends of the earth"? Can't they be at least a little specific? And haven't the Satan First crowd listened to any of those Paul Meyer talks? Samaria doesn't exist any more, knuckle heads. I suspect that hunk of money will actually go to the Kieschnicks' indoor pool/hot-tub/shiny rims/gold-teeth fund. And ditto for "Judea." Why are we sending money to places that don't exist? Finally, Jerusalem. Well, at least it's a real place, but how much mission work is going on there anyway, unless you want to count the Ablaze!(tm) nonsense, like when the security goon at the El-Al counter sneezes and you say: "God bless you. Jesus loves you" and you run home, log onto the computer, and add one more to the great McDonald's tally of hamburgers sold. I don't know, I think maybe we need to have an audit. Maybe we need a campaign called: "Flush into the Drain(tm)."

And what is this "theAlley" crap? Is it a church, a bowling establishment, or a place to pick up hookers? I guess these days, you can have one-stop shopping. Back in my day, "the alley" was where the queers, dope fiends, and drunk musicians went to urinate. Well, I guess some things just don't change after all.

And what's with this "guitar chords" business for the new hymnal? I suppose we'll soon have the COW working on a special bongo-drum-and-kazoo edition that CPH can give away with the purchase of each pair of "Here I Stand" athletic supporters that they sell. That's another reason to stick to TLH. Back in '41, they weren't even playing guitars yet, except like the kind you see on the Andy Griffith Show. And even then, what the hilljacks did with their banjos and missing teeth had nothing to do with the church. It was certainly nothing like this electric twanger racket that Fritz Baue plays with his hippy friends. The problem with LCMS music today is the same problem as with the typical pastor and most of the bureaucrats: "not enough organ."

In fact, like I said, I wish someone would get this Molly Zeitgeist Hemmingway fella to run for Synodical President. Even with that girly name, this guy's got the stoneware that seems to have turned up missing for the palace eunuchs in the Violet Vat. It's always been a mystery for me, both in the military and in the church: are the bureaucrats already carrying "empty luggage," as it were, when they are elected, or is there some kind of snip-snip ceremony once they get to the holy city? It's kind of a chicken-and-egg mystery - one that hope not to find out by personal experience. I may not need a "pair of aces" for procreation these days, but I do believe Deuteronomy 23:1 is still in the canon - the interpretive prowess of the Ablaze!(tm) crowd notwithstanding. I'll keep the old "book ends" on the shelf, thank you very much. I know my circuit counselor (the pastor of St. Origin Lutheran Church) has long since surrendered his to the service of paper-pushing long ago.

I'm just waiting for the purple criss-cross thing at the top of the Reporter to be replaced one day by a pink hammer and sickle. Cripes, we see as many headshots of Kieschnick as the Muscovites saw posters of Stalin. Coincidence? You be the judge, dammit.

As for Father Hollywood, somebody needs to tell this kid to get a hair cut. But at least he has a job - even if it only pays minimum wage.

Misery Monopoly

Translation of COP and Presidential Statements

Once again, troops, I have been asked to translate the recent "Bovine Scatology" from our "Beloved Synod" into the English language (given my many years of such translation work in both church and state by virtue of my work as a chaplain).

The parts you see in red are the plain English versions of the Bureaucratese Slanguage.

No word yet on how the Lutheran Heritage Foundation's project to translate the Book of Concord into Bureaucratese is coming along. It is a worthy project, however, as one could only imagine how much better things would be in the Missouri Synod if the Book of Concord could actually be read in St. Louis.

Both of these documents are case studies in how to sling a lot of BS, legal-sounding words, impressive sounding linguistic gymnastics, name-dropping, bureaucratic "duck and cover", slight of hand, the play of the 8th Commandment Card, and other dilatory tactics to say a whole lot of nothing. I've seen some remarkable BS in my day, and I don't impress easy, but I gotta say: Great work, COP and President Clinton!


Courtesy Scuttlebutt Translation Services!(tm)...

Statement [CYA] from LCMS Council of Presidents [Council of Pusilanimity] —April 22, 2008:

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ [People who annoy us that we wish would die in a fire]:

We, the members of the Council of Presidents [Council of Pusilanimity] of The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod [Lutheran Church - Banana Republic], greet you in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who is the Savior of the whole world [In the Name of Ablaze!(tm) our new god].

We are fully aware of pain in our Synod [We have been inconvenienced] over the discontinuation of the KFUO Radio program “Issues, Etc.” When one member of the Body of Christ hurts—for whatever reason—we all hurt [We don't like being inconvenienced]. We are very concerned about how this pain has affected the church as it carries Christ's gifts to the world [We want to get back to golf]. Only the devil would rejoice over this disruption! [We don't want to admit it, but it is true, the firing of Wilken and Schwarz was diabolical, and has caused Satan much joy, but more important, it disrupts our "very important meeting" wink wink.]

We encourage the whole church prayerfully to reflect and ponder on a few matters [Shut up and do what you're told, proles]. We realize that in our understanding and application of the 4th commandment, this matter is not the responsibility of the Council of Presidents [We'd love nothing more than pass the buck, but this issue is so hot that the buck has been passed to us]. The Synod has given the authority for oversight and implementation of KFUO and its programming decisions to the Board for Communication Services (BCS). We must regard with Christian charity and trust the judgment of our duly elected brothers and sisters in Christ on the BCS, along with its Executive Director, Mr. David Strand [Strand is not to be criticized].

We regret the timing of this decision [We didn't expect the proles to react, and we regret being inconvenienced] , which was implemented during Holy Week, one of the most important times of the church year [and we're glad someone pointed this out to us - we never made the connection before]. In response to the concern that the manner in which this decision was implemented lacked Christian compassion, it is important to note our belief that such was not the case [it's not that we lack compassion, we just don't give a damn]. These matters are also addressed in the statement on this topic by the President of our Synod, attached hereto [The word "hereto" makes us sound really important. So do our ties and briefcases. Don't you think we look and sound really important?], which we commend to you [the word "commend" makes us sound really edgycated, don't it?].

The manner in which the church addresses, discusses, and resolves disagreements is as important as the disagreement itself. In this regard, the 8th commandment's focus on upholding the reputation of brothers and sisters in Christ is most important [We are playing the 8th commandment card, thus ending all future discussion, and declaring full immunity from any and all criticism. Nanny boo boo]. We are all the baptized of Christ, washed in His blood, and we possess His image of blamelessness [Someone just realized we didn't say anything "churchy" yet, so there's our token mention of a sacrament to appease the confessional crowd]. Where there have been communications that have violated the integrity of a brother or sister in Christ, Christ calls us to repentance [We're right, you're wrong. Shut up]. Here, too, the devil would delight in divisiveness resulting from matters such as this [If you criticize us, you are of the devil]. Let us walk with integrity, honesty, and humility, giving glory to Jesus Christ, “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13) [Here is our obligatory verse of Scripture to give the letter the sheen of churchmanship].

Jesus Christ is the Lord of the church [You can give your heart to Jesus, but your butts belongs to the Council]. As this church goes forward [We're moving forward now, the issue is settled, so shut up] in reaching unbelievers with the precious Gospel of our Lord [Nothing nore to see here, let's get back to the corporate Ablaze!(tm) marketing in lockstep], let us be “eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:3) [We are unified. There is no dissent, Komrades. All your base are belong to us.]

The peace of the Lord be with you all! [Up yours, suckers!]

Council of Presidents [Council of Politicians]
The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod [Misery Cyanide]
Adopted April 22, 2008, without dissenting vote [There were abstentions, but none of the so-called "confessional" district presidents was equipped with his testicles, so there were no dissenting votes. We are unified Komrades. There is no dissent. Nothing to see here. Everybody keep moving along.]

Statement [CYA] from LCMS President [Strongman]—April 21, 2008:

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ [Dear Subjects]:

Greetings in the Name of Jesus Christ, Savior of the world and Lord of the universe, through whom alone we receive forgiveness of sin, life, and salvation! [Here is my obligatory introduction that is a cross between the apostolic greeting and a Star Trek slogan]

A decision to discontinue “Issues, Etc.” on KFUO AM Radio was made March 18, 2008, Tuesday of Holy Week, for fiscal reasons described in statements issued after the decision became public. [I'm repeating the Party Line]. At the April 21, 2008, meeting of the Council of Presidents (COP) of The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod, financial details precipitating this decision were discussed in executive session [in a dark smoke filled room lest the sunshine scatter the cockroaches and disrupt our wicked deeds] by Mr. David Strand, Executive Director of the LCMS Board for Communication Services (BCS), with specific fiscal information provided by the Vice-President-Finance—Treasurer of the Synod, Dr. Thomas Kuchta [by the usual cast of lackeys and water boys]. The decision was made solely by Mr. Strand after consultation with the chairman of the BCS, Mr. Dennis Clauss, with whom I subsequently spoke over the phone regarding this matter [Strand blew this past the BCS without their knowledge and I have plausible deniability, while still maintaining the appearance of being the Man In Charge]. KFUO Radio is a ministry under the umbrella of the Board for Communication Services.

Prior to its implementation, Mr. Strand also informed me as president of the Synod of his decision [Clever, huh?]. I regret that I did not counsel Mr. Strand to postpone implementation of the decision until sometime other than Holy Week [We should have kept our treachery a little below the radar screen]. It is obvious that the timing and process connected with the discontinuation of the program have contributed to the disappointment expressed by listeners and supporters of “Issues, Etc.” in and beyond the Synod [We don't admit to anything wrong, but we did make a tactical miscalculation]. Human Resources policies, compliance with applicable employment regulations, the process of implementation of reduction in force, accompanying severance and outplacement considerations, etc., do not allow the sharing of details about this matter [Conveniently, I am in a position to bamboozle everyone with lots of smoke and mirrors]. I am deeply saddened by the anxiety, worry, and consternation experienced in the Synod by those directly and indirectly affected by the decision [I wish all these rubes would shut their pie holes, drink their Kool-aid, and get on the Ablaze!(tm) bandwagon].

Some have interpreted the decision to discontinue “Issues, Etc.” as being theological or political in nature or purpose. Such interpretations have no basis in fact [Of course, that's what it is, but we're sure as hell not going to admit it].

As president of the Synod [Big Brother], I respectfully request and pastorally encourage all in the Synod to be patient and charitable regarding this matter, putting the best construction on actions and decisions connected therewith [I'm going to bully you into compliance]. I pray for the day when the financial resources of our Synod do not necessitate the reduction in force of radio personnel, the return of missionaries from the foreign mission field, or any other such difficult and painful decisions [Now, I'm going to invoke finances, although I make well over six figures and fly all over hell's half acre with gasoline at three-and-a-half bucks a gallon and stay in the finest hotels]. And I pray for peace and harmony in our beloved Synod [I will do whatever it takes to shut off all dissent and bully my opponents into silence and call it "harmony"].

Dr. [Which is my fake degree that I use to give myself the air of authority] Gerald B. Kieschnick, President [Komissar]
The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod [Not Your Grandfather's Church]

"Transforming lives through Christ's love ... in time ... for eternity ..." [Closing with a Barry Manilow jingle that may well have been: "And like a good neighbor, State Farm is there."]

John 3:16-17 [Obligatory Bible verse to give the air of churchmanship]

Petition Ablaze!(tm) - hoping for 95 signatures by 2017

St. Louis (SNS) --- Stung by the nearly 7,000 signatures in just over three weeks on an online petition to bring back the popular (but canceled) syndicated radio program Issues, Etc., leaders of the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod, owners of the KFUO radio station from which the conservative show was broadcast, have gone on the offensive.

Synodical officials have begun an online petition of their own, commending synodical official David Strand for his "heroic firing" of the two employees responsible for the radio program, host Rev. Todd Wilken and producer Mr. Jeff Schwarz. The petition further applauds the "gospel-centered" way the firings were carried out during Holy Week, as well as the "veil of Christian secrecy" concerning the rationale for the terminations. The petition also calls for programming of a more "uplifting" and less "doctrinaire" format "in accordance with the 21st century goals of the Missouri Synod" which is no longer "your grandfather's church."

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a highly-placed source in the small denomination's International Center (also known as the Purple Palace) expressed frustration that so much attention has been given "to a handful of malcontents, speed-bumps, and enemies of the Gospel" from around the world and in every state of the union who are "selfishly placing their desire for a rigorous defense of traditional Christianity" over and against the vision of synodical leaders intent on softening the image of the church body with a more "progressive" and "uplifting" message.

"This is not your grandfather's church" the anonymous source confided, speaking emphatically with his hands, clearly distressed at the emotional outpouring in favor of the doomed radio show, "and what these enemies of our beloved synod do not understand is that we need to use 21st century methods to reach the iPod generation."

As an example of the new technological paradigm, synodical officials have launched a counter-petition online. So far, the new petition is up to seven signatures "and counting." Said the unnamed official, "This initiative is the most exciting use of new technology in the entire histruh of the Lutheran Church Missuruh Synod!" Furthermore, he continued, this "movement will coincide with the Ablaze!(tm) initiative" as the synod has set 2017, the five hundredth anniversary of Martin Luther's "cutting edge protest" of the 95 Theses that set off the Lutheran Reformation as the target date to accumulate "95 signatures of Ablazing!(tm) support" for the synodical firing of Wilken and Schwartz.

"The Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod is positioning itself to reach and surpass the historic goal of 95 online signatures by 2017, and having already reached the laudable benchmark of seven names is the most exciting news we have heard in the Lutheran Church - Missouri Synod since the death of [former synodical president] Al Barry" said the Lutheran cleric.

"Our synod has never been more united" he added, "and disagreements are being crushed more than ever before."

Scuttlebutt News Service, copyright 2008. This report may not be reproduced in any form without a link to the Online Petition to Restore Issues, Etc. and the following disclaimer: "Christ's Church IS my grandfather's Church!"

A New Show, a New Name

Well, troops, if Wee Willie Weedon is to be believed, the "fix" is in regarding KFUO's replacement for Issues, Etc. It's now officially a "chick schtick."

Doesn't that about figure. The LCMettes has been taken over by broads: voters, delegates, professors, deacons, acolytes, congregational presidents, elders, and pastors. Well, maybe not the last one yet, but you watch!

And there has not been the least hint of virility, manliness, or guts in the way this whole debacle has been handled, from the very top of the totem pole to the lowest lackey.

So, it looks like Davette Strand and her bunch of geldings at KFUO need a new name for the latest Oprah knock-off that's going to apparently be a better "programming and business" decision for the Ablaze!(tm) crowd. I can just imagine what that "broad cast" is gonna be like. So, for the new title, I suggest (drum roll please...):

"Tissues, etc."

What do you guys think? Feel free to e-mail the gals at FU-O with this idea. Then feel free to have a good cry and eat a box of chocolates.

Meanwhile, I can't wait till we get get rid of all this Book of Concord stuff and move on to something that will generate ratings and Ablaze!(tm) money - like maybe the pregnant "man" story. You gotta admit, that fits in well with the way things are going in this eunuchized synod.

This ain't your grandfather's world, men.

But I guess we shoulda gotten suspicious when they painted the seat of our archbishopric lavender.

Me, I think I'll just start watching sports. It will be about as theologically deep as anything on FU-o, but at least we won't have to lose our balls.

Happy Birthday, Sign of Peace

According to the Washington Compost, it looks like the Peace Sign turns a half-century old today.

Stupid me, all this time I thought the kids were just drawing chasubles upside down because they had been smoking too much dope. I know about the two-fingered peace sign that the pony-tailed boomers like to shoot me here at the home, and of course, I return the favor with one less digit before I tell them to get the hell off my lawn.

I guess the Papists started adding the "Sign of Peace" to the "Nervous Ordeal" Mass about the time the hippies started peeing on my American Beauties. Nothing like a little birdshot to restore the peace in my neighborhood, "man."

Now, at the Blessed Reformer, we only use Page By God Fifteen, and we don't do any of that "Sign of Peace" COW crap. However, as I'm becoming soft in my golden years, I'm going to throw my parishioners a bone. In honor of this great occasion, I'm including a bulletin insert for this Sunday's service, a litany like the Creative Communications for the Perishing pinkos put out and try to sell me. Cripes, these people are worse than AMWAY once they get your address.

Of course, my little "peace litany" is from one of the greatest uplifting movies of all time: FMJ. I get teary-eyed just thinking about it. When those guys start singing the Mickey Mouse song at the end, I have to admit that even I reach for the roll of toilet paper.


Litany of Peace

Pogue Colonel: Marine, what is that button on your body armor?
Private Joker: A peace symbol, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Where'd you get it?
Private Joker: I don't remember, sir.
Pogue Colonel: What is that you've got written on your helmet?
Private Joker: "Born to Kill", sir.
Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke?
Private Joker: No, sir.
Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant s*** on you.
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.
Pogue Colonel: The what?
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?
Private Joker: Our side, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Don't you love your country?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?
Private Joker: Yes, sir.
Pogue Colonel: Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.
Private Joker: Aye-aye, sir.

You want a piece of a Scuttlebutt too?

My damn kid brother is such an attention whore!

Silicon Valley Mercury News

Police: Teen makes mistake of trying to rob former U.S. Marine

Bay City News Service

Article Launched: 03/27/2008 10:39:20 AM PDT

SANTA ROSA - A boy in his mid-teens learned Wednesday afternoon that it is not a good idea to try to rob a former U.S. Marine at knifepoint, even if the former Marine is 84 years old, police said today.

Santa Rosa police Sgt. Steve Bair said that's what happened around 2 p.m. in the 1600 block of Fourth Street. The elderly man was walking with a grocery bag in each arm when the boy approached him with a large knife, Bair said.

The boy said, "Old man, give me your wallet or I'll cut you," Bair said. The man told the boy he was a former Marine who fought in three wars and had been threatened with knives and bayonets, Bair said.

The man then put his bags on the ground and told the boy that if he stepped closer he would be sorry. When the boy stepped closer, the man kicked him in the groin, knocking him to the sidewalk, Bair said. The ex-Marine picked up his grocery bags and walked home, leaving the boy doubled over, Bair said.

The man reported the attempted robbery to police 45 minutes later.

Bair said the teen is described only as 15 or 16 years old. Anyone with information is asked to call the Police Department.

Dictator in a Box

The Ruskies didn't do a helluva lot right, but I like what they did with Lenin. The last thing that rotting hunk of "red meat" deserves is to rest in peace. Let him stay in a glass fridge for all the world to gawk at, moon, and give the finger to - at least until Russia runs out of electricity.

Given the similarities between the USSR and the LCMSSR, I propose we establish ornate glass tombs for our Great Dictators. I can't imagine anyone from the Purple Palace objecting. Hell, there's nothing Kieschnivik loves more than "face time." Why should John Lenin get all the glory?

This can be done in just a few simple steps:

Get a box.
Cut a hole in that box.
Put your dictator in the box.

But I can't claim the idea as my own (much like Al Clinton trying to take credit for the Intranets). In fact, one of my readers tells me there's a broad named Justine Timberlane who sings a song about the dictator in the box.

All the same, it sounds like a better use of synodical funds than what they got going now.

Translation...

There is another language spoken in St. Louis - more specifically spoken in a certain "Intergalactic Center" of a certain unnamed church body. Having spent decades in both military and church, yours truly has become fluent in Bureaucratese.

I'm so good at it, I can translate on the fly with a smoke in one hand, a shot glass in the other, and both knees on the wheel. "Hey, buddy, make Seven-Up yours!" Where do these idiots learn to drive, Seward, Nebraska?

Anyway, I wrote a personal letter to a certain president, er, I mean "President" (upper case first letters of titles is part and parcel of Bureaucratese grammar), and received the following reply.

My translation into English appears in red...


The President's Office is [the president's lackeys and hangers-on are] in receipt of your email message [being bothered by you]. Due to the high volume of correspondence received [Since it is of such a low priority], you may not receive an immediate answer [from a human being]. However, please be assured [like hell] that your message is important [utterly unimportant] to the President [pompous ass who struts around the office like Hitler with a Napoleon complex] and every [no] effort will be made to respond as quickly as possible.

May God's grace, mercy, and peace rest upon you. [Die in a fire, you troublemaker.]

President K_________k and
The Staff [overpaid hacks] of the President's Office [little man's cubicle]


Troops, if you write to a certain unnamed church president, don't expect anything other than an evasive automatic-reply form-letter.

That's how the language of the Bureaucrat works. Word on the street is that it will be replacing Greek at both seminaries before you can say "specific minister."

Bee Eye Enn Jee Oh

The Administration here at Blessed Reformer haven't met a papist idea they didn't like (except liturgy, bells, and incense), and they have decided yet again to copy the local Catholic church across the street, St. Hoosywhatsis of Prague. Now, don't get me wrong, I like a lot of things about St. Hoo's. The Indian pastor, Father "Chip" Khali Khachadh is a pretty good drinker, though I don't think he's a real Indian, as I was telling him about how we used to put all the Indians on reservations and he thought I meant motel reservations. He asked me if I needed a wake up call.

You'd think those people would know their own history, but I guess the Indian education system ain't quite cutting the curry.

Every Indian I run into these days either works at a motel or is a physicist and has no idea what tribe he is from (though a lot of them seem to cheer for the Cincinnati Bengalis). Although they have decided to cut their hair and quit wearing loin cloths. Actually, they may still be wearing loin cloths, but they at least wear pants over them for the most part these days.

Anyway, St. Hoo's is rolling in the dough thanks to bingo. Every Monday night, my parishioners roll, stumble, and hobble (a regular "Walker Brigade") over to the parish hall to smoke, curse, and drink - and then you should see the men!

The residents love bingo, and they will spend their last Social Security rations for a card, some plastic discs, and an ash tray.

So, Blessed Reformer decides to get into the act and started bingo here. I told them I'd okay it so long as they could make it churchly. I figured I had them by the cataracts, but can you just imagine, they found a way to do it! They decided to print up special cards and call it "LCMS Bingo." If you click on the card above, you can see it life size.

So, all these bronze agers and the first wave of hippy retirees compete to fill up their cards with the kind of crap that passes itself as Missouri Lutheranism these days. Not your grandfather's church, all right. At this point, I'm not so sure it's even my church. Then again, I'm the "grandfather" that Jerruh was denigrating when he plagiarized Oldsmobile.

Although I'm not a fan of bingo, even I have to admit this is a stoke of genius. Father "Chip" is even bitching that some of his old timers are beating the drums to have "Vatican II Bingo" at St. Hoo's. He didn't appreciate what I told him to use as a "free space" - though with all the scandals and what knot, I can see why. Oh well, a couple Kingfishers covers a multitude of sins. Who'd a thought it? Those Indians make a decent beer. I hope they appreciate the white man giving them Christianity and fire water - not to mention customer service jobs. I just don't understand why Indians don't talk like they did in the John Wayne movies.

Hey, I just got a bingo! Looks like the next round's on me, Cochese.

Back in the LCMSSR

The latest Ablazenik!(tm) poster, courtesy of the Central Committee

How do like this? First, they tell us after all these years that Gorbachev is a Christian, then we find out that the LCMS is a Commie dictatorship - the L.C.M.S.S.R. It looks like we've been fighting the wrong "Reds" since '45!

We've known for a long time that Vladimir Iliyich Kieschnick is a Stalin-wannabe, but now we're finding out just what a cut-throat Kremlin the Purple Palace really is under his Kommisarship. The LCMSSR has all the trappings of the USSR - a dictator, a politburo, a propaganda wing (that has taken over the radio-station Pravda-style), fearful bureaucrats that fall into line behind the "strongman," Party apparatchiks, "five year plans," alphabet soup agencies and bureaus, a subversive "youth movement," the illusion of a democratic process, "newspeak," and now we even have Christian martyrs and worldwide outrage being ignored by the Purple Kremlin at the Moscow on the Mississippi!

Check all those Ablaze!(tm) lapel pins. A hundred rubles says you'll find a hammer and sickle logo on there someplace. "Church workers of the world unite..."

We have a bloated bureaucracy that is not only broke financially, but also morally bankrupt. We have a cloak-and-dagger government shrouded in lies and secrecy. All that's missing is a concentration camp (and even then, has anyone checked the basement of the Concordia Historical Institute?).

Dissent is chased underground by Commie regulations, the gagging of free speech, and the prosecution of "thought crimes." And notice how many "bloggers" (especially seminarians) have suddenly been driven into dark anonymity.

And of course there are party hacks who are afraid to speak out, watching idly as fellow Christians are persecuted - maybe out of fear of themselves losing their synodical perks, status, and paycheck - if not being banished to Siberia.

We should have let Patton take a leak in the Mississippi and roll the Third Army into St. Loony. He tried to tell me Missouri was pink (and so did the WELS), but did I listen? All this time, we thought the Russians were Godless.

Well, Comrades, it's put up or shut-up time in the Evil Empire known as the LCMSSR. We need to start "Radio Free Missouri" and overthrow the Holy Week Revolution.

"Mister Kieschnick, tear down this wall!"

Che, EFF YOU, Oh...

Word on the street is that the revolution continues as the Kieschnickistas have seized the synodical radio station, KFUO, and promptly deposed the last Lutheran on the radio. Issues, Etc. has been shut down, and even the archives of old radio shows have been removed - all gone down the big synodical memory hole, though I gotta say this, men, when I think of the words "synodical" and "hole" in one sentence, the missing word that comes to my mind in the middle isn't "memory."

So, for Todd Wilkin and Jeff Scwartz, it's definitely a kFUo from the LCMess. Happy Holy Week, Pastor, "You're fired!" No word yet on if the revolutionaries have put the Lutherans against the wall with a blindfold and a cigarette and set the bodies Ablaze!(tm).

Just another day in the ghetto we call the Missouri Cyanide.

Everybody drink your Kool-Aid, support the Loony Hour, and smoke a big fat cigar for the Revolution in the name of the King of Bling and the Queen of Diamonds of this little Banana-church body. "This isn't your grandfather's church." No shiite, Shirlock. Keep moving, people. Nothing more to see here.

"War is peace. Entertainment is church. Doctrine is contrary to mission." Put this and other slogans up on the big screen in the sanctuary, set it to an inane pop tune, and repeat as necessary until all dissent has been crushed.

Welcome to the post-revolutionary synod, Comrades!

Scuttle onboard with Ablaze!(tm) ???

Descriptions of Recent or Highligted Ablaze! Faith-Sharing Activities: Real faith-sharing stories from LCMS members and partners across the globe who have shared their faith with family members, friends, neighbors, and co-workers, as well as other people God brought into their paths.

2/6/2008

Rev. C.F.W. Scuttlebutt of Blessed Reformer Retirement Home shared the Gospel over Marlboros and Jack Daniels at the Legion Hall.

Pastor Scuttlebutt, a retired Army Brigadier General, staggered up to the bar at the Legion Hall near the retirement home where he serves as chaplain. He found a fellow pastor, mindlessly twiddling the tab collar that he had pulled out of his black clerical shirt. His countenance was downcast as he gazed into a beer.

Pastor Scuttlebutt pulled up a stool, leisurely lit up a Marlboro, and silently offered a smoke to the morose clergyman. He declined. Pastor Scuttlebutt then called him an obscene name and threatened to "knock [his] whiny ass into next Tuesday if [he didn't] man up." He renewed the offer of a cig. The pastor reconsidered, and accepted the smoke. He took a drag, coughed, and then placed it into an ashtray with the faded logo of the 3rd Marines peeping through the ancient cremains lining the bottom.

Scuttlebutt silently beckoned the bartender, ordered two doubles of Jack Daniels, slid one in front of the distraught cleric, and commanded: "Hit it, Padre." The two imbibed.

"So, what's your deal?" the retired general inquired.

"I'm an LCMS pastor," was the somber reply. Scuttlebutt nodded.

The two men said nothing for several minutes. The General snagged the bartender for another round of doubles. The men knocked back the Jack. The pastor wheezed, as the General gazed at him stoically. Another five minutes of silence ensued. In a metaphorical reference to the Trinity, the General signaled for a tertiary round. They drank. The General plunked the empty shot glass on the bar. "Gloria patri..." he mumbled, scrunching up his face and taking another drag on his Marlboro.

The depressed pastor finally voiced his problem. "Ablaze," he grunted. He shook his head. "Creative worship," he blurted out. Tears filled his eyes as he continued his litany: "Open communion. Women Elders. Power-mad DPs. Not your grandfather's church. Speed-bumps." His complaints picked up momentum and began to imitate the staccato of an M16 on auto. "Lay Ministry. Missional. Covenant Congregations. 8-01A. Specific Ministry Program. Ecclesiastical Supervision. DCEs. Unionism. Syncretism. Fanning the Flame. Small Group Ministry."

After brief silence, the General stood up and tenderly placed his hand on the weeping pastor's shoulder. "Son, I understand. Stand up."

The pastor wiped his eyes, sniffed, and rose from the bar stool. He caught a glimpse of a portrait of George S. Patton on the paneled wall, peering at him from his wool-lined leather flight jacket, ivory-handled pistols on his hips, jaw jutted out in a military pout. He turned and looked into Pastor Scuttlebutt's compassionate eyes.

Scuttlebutt kneed him in the groin.

"Now, you listen to me, Nancy boy!" the General glowered. "'Take up your cross and follow me,' sound familiar? Cripes, the bastards can't burn you at the stake. They aren't shooting at you like gooks in a rice patty. Hell, these guys don't even have the gonads to look you in the eye and say 'boo!' - rather they will grin and call you 'brother,' ask you 'How many are you worshiping?' and pretend to be your buddy while conspiring how to screw you and lying out of their asses. Big deal. Being a pastor in the Misery Synod is a helluva lot easier than the crap you took in 'Nam. Am I right?

The pastor felt the General's hot whiskey-and-tobacco breath in his face, as Scuttlebutt continued doling out his pastoral advice, index finger jammed into his listener's chest: "I know life in this synod is crap. But that's the hand we've been dealt, soldier. Have another drink, pray the office, study the Scriptures, say lots of Masses, smoke, and find a father-confessor that will kick you in the goolies and then forgive you. Do you read me, soldier?"

"Yes, sir!" he said, snapping to attention.

"Well, then. Ego te absolvo. Now get your ass back to work, son."

The pastor reinserted his tab collar, nodded, shook the General's hand, signed himself with the holy cross, and stumbled to the door to do battle against the devil.

Scuttlebutt shook his head, butted-out his ablazing cigarette, and once more mounted the bar stool. He pulled his tattered breviary from his jacket pocket and signaled the bartender for another round.

Buh-Bye, Missouri

Well, troops, it looks like no more White House visits for LCMS profs and crats. It was a helluva run while it lasted. At least this latest scandal for the GOP doesn't involve queers, just plagiarism. Of course, plagiarism ain't such a big deal if your name is Barry O'Bama or Martin the Lutheran King. But this Tim Goeglein fella was the closest the Misery Synod has ever been to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - and he got our boys a lot of rubber chickens and photo ops. Word on the street is that Uwe Siemon-Netto is on suicide watch and Dean Wenthe is thinking of defecting to the Democrats.

I did run across this tidbit about the former LCMS golden boy. How often do you read an article where a homo meth head preacher sings the praises of a plagiarist politician - and there isn't even a Clinton involved? It's good to see the GOP moving along with the times.

Oh well, LCMS bigwigs will have to start all over if they want to have any political pull in the Beltway - especially after this O'Bama fella gets elected. I guess the Micks are the New Germans. Out with the sauerkraut, in with the Lucky Charms.

Oh well, I hope O'Bama has better luck than the last Catholic drunk that stumbled his way into the White House. You know how "those people" stick together. A Board for Celtic Ministry Services wouldn't be a bad idea. Wenthe better start exploiting those Notre Dame connections (and that kid Pete Scaer doesn't count).

I suggest the bureaucrats start wining and dining every mackarel-snapping pastor in the synod. Here's a list of names for all the "usual suspects" to start schmoozing in their long walk back to DC.

Mc Cabe, Rev H H
Mc Cain, Rev Paul T
Mc Canless, Rev Robert E
Mc Cants, Rev Elder
Mc Cants, Rev Jimmy
Mc Cants, Rev Reholma
Mc Clean, Rev David R
Mc Clellan, Rev Gary W
Mc Clure, Rev Garry D
Mc Coid, Rev James
Mc Comack, Rev Paul M
Mc Cormick, Rev Arthur M
Mc Cown, Rev Chester L
Mc Coy, Rev James R
Mc Coy, Rev Michael L
Mc Cracken, Rev Garry A
Mc Crillis, Rev Walter C
Mc Cune, Rev Samuel W
Mc Daniels, Rev James A
Mc Dermott, Rev Lawrence J
Mc Donald, Rev David P
Mc Donald, Rev Gilbert K
Mc Donald, Rev Robert A
Mc Dougall, Rev Daniel T
Mc Farland, Rev Michael R
Mc Ghghy, Rev Paul G
Mc Gurer, Rev Lawrence W
Mc Hone, Rev Randolph W
Mc Intosh, Rev Zachary
Mc Intyre, Rev C Mark
Mc Intyre, Rev David R
Mc Kelvey, Rev Donald B
Mc Kenney, Rev Mervin A
Mc Kenzie, Rev Mark L
Mc Kenzie, Rev Patrick C
Mc Killop, Rev Don C
Mc Knight, Rev David M
Mc Lain, Rev Philip C
Mc Lellan, Rev Duncan B
Mc Manus, Rev Dennis J
Mc Millan, Rev Whitfield M
Mc Miller, Rev Daniel F
Mc Miller, Rev Robert J
Mc Millian, Rev Ric L
Mc Mullin, Rev Clinton R
Mc Namara, Rev Jerry F
Mc Peek, Rev Samuel E
Mc Pherson, Rev Daniel P
Mc Pherson, Rev Roderick G
Mc Pike, Rev Jeffrey D
Mc Quillan, Rev Kirk A
Mc Reynolds, Rev Terry A
Mc Vey, Rev Daniel J
Mc Vey, Rev Todd J
Mc Whirter, Rev John A
McCarty, Rev Timothy
McGuire, Rev Geoffrey B
O Brien, Rev Pat F A
O Brien, Rev Patrick E
O Connor, Rev Bryan T
O Connor, Rev James P
O Connor, Rev John A
O Connor, Rev William D
O Dea, Rev Patrick K
O Donnell, Rev Lance A
O Neal, Rev Patrick F
O Neal, Rev Patrick E
O Neill, Rev Dennis B
O Shoney, Dr Glenn R
O Sullivan, Rev Robert H

The Goods on Billy Weedon?

Look at the fella on the right side of the buffet. Is that Weedon? The Weedon? The Weedon who has written more quotes from Augustine than Augustine? The acolyte of St. Atkins the Carnivorous himself, scooping out blobs of artificially-colored yellow carbs?

And what is with that tie? Judas Priest! We have been deceived. My sources tell me Wee Willie Weedon uses his cassock as a bath robe and mows the grass in his chasuble. But here we see the unvarnished truth about the high-church Romanizing self-proclaimed Patriarchs of Constantinople known as the Socialists of St. Polyanna. I just knew the rumors I heard about them were all wrong. Cripes, Paul McCrain even wrote them off as only having "less than five" members. Maybe the wearing of a tie and bellying up to the buffet is a secret sign of membership. If that's the case, there could be thousands of these yoyos on the LCMess Roster of Clerical Errors. Your DiP may even be one - kinda like the Masons. Scary stuff.

I think they're a secret cabal of macaroni-eating bronzies working the church-basement circuit looking to get elected to district offices - which explains their thing for incense. It's about building up immunity to the smoke-filled room!

Aha! Weedon, you cad! I've got you and your friends now! Surrender before I take the ultimate step and send this photo to Otten.

Harry Gerike, Harry Rama

Of course, I just had to do it - interrupt a pleasant Wild Turkey buzz to peruse the latest Distorter.

By now, I've gotten used to all the usual Ablaze!(tm) BS - that hardly elicits a yawn these days. But check out what's on page 3 of the COW Insert (which has always sounded like some kind of veterinarian version of Preparation H). That silly Harry Gerike kid has a whole page to promote the goofiest idea in Lutheran worship since Lutheran Worship: Taize.

Taize Krishna, Krishna Krishna. My Sweet Lord! What will the hippies come up with next? Of course, this is the same fella that pushed for those creepy "Psalms" of his to be included in the Hymnal Succubus 98. Cripes, I had to burn my copy and exorcise the ashes! I actually had "usual suspects" (bald guys with wispy gray pony tails and ear-rings) pushing me to do the "Supplement Divine Service" at the home. Holy carp! (And yes, I wrote "carp," not "crap" - I'm not from Nebraska).

One thing I like about my Blanche is she cuts to the chase. When I read the article to her as she was whipping up my dinner like a proper Lutheran stay-at-home broad, she got right to the point: "Why the hell can't we just sing the damn hymns in the hymnal?" I knew she was a keeper.

Look, I didn't mind the Krishnas doing the Taize thing in the airport. It gave me some free entertainment before the advent of watching the TSA thugs get their jollies looking at shampoo bottles and trying to confiscate my bowie knife (I hear that one is doing better these days thanks to physical therapy). I kind of miss the little chanting bald people, though. I don't know what happened to all of them - other than maybe they all took their tambourines and enrolled in the DCE program at one of the Discordias.

But I sure as hell don't want to have a bunch of this George Harrisman crap going on in the Divine Service. It's bad enough the aging hips at the home listen to Jamie Henricks and Jefferson Blimpship with that slackjawed LSB-induced glaze in their eyes. Now we got seminary profs pushing things like repetition, humming, and primitive musical instruments, and using the Pope's Latin to try to make it seem like church.

Crap (that's for the Corn Huskers who have gotten far enough in school to actually be reading this), I half expect the Seminary Chorus to swap the albs for saffron robes, and ditch the good St. Louis GOP buzzcuts for those smelly ray-gay "crud locks."

As a side note, when did the seminaries start letting in weirdos with ear-rings and mustaches (and I'm not talking about the deaconess students here)? I thought we didn't want queers in the ministry. Of course, with all these trillions of converts we're gonna get by 2017, I guess anyone with a pulse and armpit hair can study for the priesthood (unless you wear a cassock and actually believe all that stuff in the Book of Concord, that is. Guys like that make the profs look bad).

Anyway, pass the Kool-Aid troops! This isn't your Father's church. This latest Hare Taize stuff, the Ablaze!(tm) cult, and all this talk about door-to-door evangelism is turning the LCMS into beer-drinking Mormons. Word on the street is that the Kieschnick Korps wanted to rename the Reporter as the Watchtower - until the JWs threatened to petition the convention for altar and pulpit fellowship with the Misery Cyanide. And of course, as long as they're open to "contemporary worship" and support Ablaze!(tm), they're in.

Meanwhile, look for CPH to come out with a vegetarian cookbook for "small group evangelism teams" to hand out with the plastic flowers.

Boy, I'll be glad when the sixties are over!

Check out the guy in the blue clericals, who's one of those LCMS types pushing the Cult of Apple. You know who you are...

At Least He Can Find it With His Hands

How could Herm have missed this? Here is a headline that should be in Christian Nooze.

Pyromania

What's with all the pyros!

I keep getting mail wanting me to commit ecclesiastical arson. The latest one says: "Ignite Your Church." This one came from the Billy Graham wackos. Why does Billy Graham want me to burn down my church? I'll tell you why - he hates Lutherans. He's pushing decision theology. His job would be a helluva lot easier if all of our churches were smoldering ash-heaps.

I think this Billy Graham nonsense is the origin of the Ablaze!(tm) program. Not a day goes by where I don't see the constant urging for me to burn down my church - and it usually comes from the Misery Cyanide!

The synodical dingbats are playing right into Graham's hands. And so what do we do? We put Just As I Am in the hymnal. Cripes, what a plot!

But this pyromania isn't limited to the Stupid Church(tm), it's all over the place. Just about every protty church sign and corporate logo has a burning cross on it. I'm waiting for the geniuses in the Purple Palace to add some flames to the Purple Bypass coming out the side in order to join the crowd and make us even less distinct from every other heretical sect in America.

Anyway, unless you haven't been watching, here are some examples of what the LCMS is imitating...

Pseudonymous?

A great post from this Albino kid Latif Gaba. Gaba's like my cousin Fred<